confession

After teaching Wednesday nights, I’m usually in either a good mood or a really bad disappointed mood. This week was the latter. Whatever the mood, it usually is reflected in the following day also. For basically 24 hours I was sunk into a self-loathing state, all simply from my sense of failure. This teaching engagement is not like anything else in my life; if I am going to get involved in something I usually take it extremely seriously with failure being a non-possibility. When that failure comes, and I have all of history against me a alternate possibility, it becomes devastating to me.

After thinking it through for a while, I think it points to my lack of understanding/faith/belief  in grace and/or mercy. I’m not sure how much I give to others, probably not much. But whatever that standard may be, I am sure that it is much worse when it comes to myself. I just don’t get how I can screw up and continue to be forgiven & placed back in the position of favor before the Lord. The way I see it, when I screw up it is as if I slide back down the mountain. And I have to start from the beginning earning back my position I previously held.

I need to get a better understanding of how the redemption works, after the initial step, when one is working through the continual process of sanctification. I read a passage addressing 1 Peter where Peter is addressing the need for our holiness. The author of this commentary was stating how we look to the saints and get an unrealistic picture of what holiness is. Looking at a biography of a saint, we see a sinful man transformed into saintliness in a manner of pages. We also don’t see the continual sin & repentance that would continue throughout their life.

I think this is exactly how I see myself. I think now that I have made this life decision, my life has to be completely transformed, and if it isn’t {which it is…but isn’t} then my rights to be leading in any role are nullified.

I know that this is all wrong headed, focused on what I am doing and not on God’s work. How he has promised to renew us and protect us. But I share myself honestly in hopes that I may not be the only one struggling against a life of works based right-ness-before-God.